Do Our Parents’ Relationships Shape How We Love?

Do Our Parents Relationships Shape How We Love?

A Understanding the Patterns We Didn’t Choose

From early childhood, we begin to silently absorb the emotional climate around us. We don’t need to understand it to feel it. The way our parents spoke to each other, the silence between them, the tension, the affection—it all became a silent script we internalized.

We don’t just witness relationships. We learn them.

The Brain Doesn’t Forget What It Learns First

The relationships we grow up around teach our brain what to expect from connection. Psychologists call these early impressions “internal working models.” If love was expressed with warmth and consistency, we’re more likely to feel secure in our own relationships. But if love was paired with avoidance, criticism, or silence, our emotional wiring adapts to that.

And that adaptation often follows us into adulthood—shaping who we’re drawn to, how we handle conflict, and how safe or unsafe we feel being close to someone.

Avoidance Teaches Us to Crave Without Expecting

When emotional needs go unmet during childhood, many people learn to shut down emotionally. That might look like independence on the surface, but beneath it is often a deep need for connection that doesn’t know how to express itself.

You might find yourself craving love but distrusting it. Wanting closeness but feeling overwhelmed by it. Choosing partners who are emotionally unavailable—not because it’s what you want, but because it’s what your nervous system recognizes.

If You Didn’t See Love, You Might Not Know How to Receive It

When love isn’t modeled at home, we may grow up unsure of what it looks or feels like. We might assume care has to be earned, affection has to be questioned, or that safety comes from control. And without realizing it, we often recreate what feels familiar—not what feels good.

Start by Asking Yourself the Hard Questions

True change starts with honest reflection. Give yourself the space to sit with these:

How were my parents with each other?

Were they warm, distant, argumentative, respectful? Did they show love, or avoid it?

What did I learn about relationships from watching them?

Did I learn that love means conflict? That silence is safer than speaking up?

How do I show up in my own relationships?

Do I avoid vulnerability? Do I over-explain my needs? Do I settle for inconsistency because it feels normal?

Where did I first feel I had to earn love?

Was it through being quiet? Helpful? Strong? Perfect?

Am I chasing a feeling that’s actually a memory?

Does the person I want remind me of someone from home—someone I couldn’t quite reach?

These questions aren’t meant to place blame. They’re here to help you see. Because when you notice the pattern, you can finally understand it didn’t start with you—and it doesn’t have to continue through you.

A Thought to Carry Forward

Next time you catch yourself in an emotional loop—whether it’s pulling away, clinging too tightly, or shutting down—pause and ask:

Is this me? Or is this something I learned to survive?

That one moment of awareness might not change everything—but it’s where change begins.